Thursday's Child ... has far to go ... (0nm10wn2feet) wrote,
Thursday's Child ... has far to go ...
0nm10wn2feet

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More baby steps ...

Well, got half the L-room cleaned today, half the baskets for sale put away, and half the other stuff at least written on a list. Now if I can just keep track of the lists I'll be fine ... maybe, then again, maybe not. Took Will to the Secretary of State's office today ... transferred the title of the GTO to my name ... I now own my very own vehicle in my OWN NAME again. Not like it runs or anything, but it is MINE. Will is legal w/his driver's license again, so that's cool. Nik is working today/night - hopefully when he gets back he'll test out that PS2 for me so I can make sure it works before I wrap it for Christmas.

Since I can't get Jess the prom dress she really wanted for Christmas, I figure getting her a PS2 and Steven a portable screen might just allieviate some of the arguments over the stupid television. Since Nik now has HIS own PS2, he plays downstairs and is happy to do so, no conflicts there. Will is back on the internet, and happy as a clam in that, so I think everyone is fairly "hooked up" as far as gear goes. Now I just have to find something to focus my energy on ... something that will provide a sense of accomplishment, or satisfaction, or self-esteem, or something. I think I'll try putting the pedigree thing online on the website that Mel and I have (well, Mel bought it, but I'm paying for half when I start using it). Who knows? Maybe selling people personalized stories about their beloved pet's ancestors will prove to be the thing that keeps me getting up in the morning. Nothing else seems to have worked out so far.

God, I wish I could stop feeling so crappy about how things keep turning out like shit. I wish I could find something that I've done that I can truly be proud of ... like the schools that I worked so hard for the district to get, or the landfill that DIDN'T open behind my house, or something like that. The plain truth of the matter is, though, that I could never have accomplished any of that on my own. I didn't formulate the idea on my own, nor did I do all the leg work ... I simply worked my ass off once I got into it. The things that I have done on my own, without assistance, haven't turned out nearly as well, obviously. Hence, the hesitation ... the lack of self-confidence ... the reluctance to put myself out there and get shot down again. I know it doesn't set a very good example for Jessa and Steven, but I find it increasingly more painful with each new setback. It's as though the "skin" I used to have has gotten thinner and thinner over the years ... like each new failure has scraped another layer of protection away. I need to succeed at SOMETHING, or I'm afraid I won't want to keep my promise to Steven. Oh hell, I'll deal with it later ... need to get to a store and get the stuff that I FORGOT the other day. Blah.

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