Thursday's Child ... has far to go ... (0nm10wn2feet) wrote,
Thursday's Child ... has far to go ...

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My doctor, my friend ... is dying?

What do you do when the person you've relied on for over ten years to keep you on an even keel tells you he's got Stage 3 lung cancer? The man is a runner, for christ's sake, never smoked in his life ... and he's got LUNG CANCER?? Tell me this world isn't totally FUCKED UP! It struck me today how much we take people like him for granted. I mean, he's my shrink ... he'll always just BE THERE, right? Um, no, guess NOT. I've basically shunned all other doctors as the 'quackers' they appear to be, and this man has been there to prescribe the things that keep me alive, that keep me mentally aware, that keep me MOVING. What the hell will I do without him?

Yeah, I know, there's a ton of Psychiatric professionals out there, I'm sure to find another one that I 'click' with ... or will I? It took me forever to find him - and no matter how upset I've been with some of his advice, no matter how stupidly I've behaved, he's always been there. I feel like there's a weight on my own chest now, that can't be removed surgically or otherwise. I feel the same gnawing sensation I feel when I think of my own mortality - that feeling that I don't want to have others watch me waste away to my eventual demise. That feeling that I don't want to witness the ravages that this disease/disorder visits upon all who fall victim to it. That feeling that I've watched this before, and now I'll have to go through it again, only with someone I consider my most important ally in my own struggle to live.

My heart did a flip-flop when I heard him using the same phrases I've heard before .... "got most of it surgically," "tests are coming back clean, for now," "more chemo in another three months." I've heard it, I've seen it, I've felt the hope, the will, the determination to LIVE, and the ultimate concession to the disease for which there is no 'sure cure.' Of course, I didn't voice any of this to him. I would NEVER burden him with MY stupid fears where it concerns a matter so deeply personal. I mouthed the same platitudes I've mouthed to others, accepted the news with the same mixture of outrage, confusion and disbelief that I've felt with others. I'll just think on it, brood over it, and wonder what purpose is served when someone who is already a member of a HEALING profession undergoes such a test.

I mean, really ... he's already helped so many through his profession. What purpose does such a trial serve? Or is it, perhaps, a trial for those who he seeks to help? Is it a test for his patients more than for himself? Again, with the imponderables. At this point, though, I can find no rhyme or reason in this world, where such injustices take place on a daily basis. I thought I saw balance, reason and logic in certain things, but now I'm not so sure after all.

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