Thursday's Child ... has far to go ... (0nm10wn2feet) wrote,
Thursday's Child ... has far to go ...
0nm10wn2feet

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May you live in interesting times ...

That phrase could quantify much of my life, I think. The following is just a rambling, semi-philosophical muse on my life ... things that I ponder when I should probably be attending to something more urgent, like laundry!

Somewhere, I read that the preceding phrase isn't really an ancient Chinese curse. It may as well be ... think about it!! I would LOVE to find out what its like to be bored ... or to even have the OPPORTUNITY to be bored. For me, however, life consists of careening from one thing to the next, usually leaving something either undone, or done haphazardly. I can get my shit together long enough to do what MUST be done for the kids and MSK, but only barely. I find myself overextended when I start to factor in the 'alien kid(s),' housework, pets, vehicle maintenance, financial paperwork, laundry and cooking. That's not even factoring in my equine pedigree research ... which seems to be taking over a LARGE part of this hard drive, and spilling over onto the laptop hard drive.

I hate ADD. I hate having 'unbalanced' brain chemistry. I hate that I passed these undesirable traits along to my children. As I mused in a very early entry in this journal, I still feel that humans should probably undergo some mandatory form of genetic counseling (at the least) in order to allow them to decide whether or not they want to saddle their children with their genetics. I love both of my children more than life itself - literally. If it meant sparing either of them, I would gladly give my life ... period. There are times, though, as precious as they both are to me, when I wonder if their souls might have been better off inhabiting different human bodies.

That's all part of the stupidity of manic depression. I sit here and ponder things that cannot be changed ... and wonder what the ramifications of such impossible changes would have been. Is that a futile effort or what? I sometimes think that I probably should not have had children. As much as I've thrown myself into loving them, caring for them, teaching them and providing a haven for them, I wonder if it was fair of me to saddle them with the problems they both have. Eh, who knows? I'm sure they would have lived a life during this time with me or without me. I know that we will be together again, somewhere, somehow.

As a parent, I've pretty much flown by the seat of my pants, so to speak. I did what FELT right to me, certainly NOT what was done TO me by my parents. I tried to do what the professionals (education, psychological, etc) told me needed to be done. I had my daughter tested three different times. Each time, I was told how bright she was, but each time there was a different reason for her difficulties. The first time, she was just 'bored' because she was so gifted and advanced. The second time, she had ADD and needed medication. The third time, we discovered a real discrepancy between her reading ability and her writing ability ... she has problems with the very mechanics of writing her words down on paper or on a computer. She has no trouble formulating the ideas. She has very little trouble expressing herself verbally. She simply freezes at the mere thought of having to write it all down on paper. Now I hear from her that there's an article in Time Magazine that basically says that I should have fought even harder than I did when she was in elementary school. Wow, what a load of guilt!

Unlike my mother, however, I hope I can deal privately with my guilt, without developing resentment toward my child because I feel guilty. That woman is still so pissed off at me, and for what? Because SHE feels guilty about what she didn't do to protect me as a child. Somehow, HER guilt became MY fault. Get it? Sadly, I do. To make things worse, my little sisters are still trying to get me to 'make up' with mom and I still don't see what I need to apologize to her for. I have not "withheld" her grandchildren from her. All she ever had to do was pick up the phone and call. She's got a million excuses for why she can't make that phone call, and she hasn't made it yet ... I hope she finds the guts to do it before she dies.

Truthfully, though, I've spent so much time parenting my kids (and myself at the same time), that I doubt if I will feel guilty when she does die. I am indescribably sad that she feels the need to hang onto her bitterness and resentment. I am a bit irritated that she's gone to the point where my children will never know her the way I thought I knew her. In view of my own situation, I don't see where I can do much more than simply feel. Unlike my mother, who suffers from Crohn's Disease, I have BOTH Crohn's and Ulcerative Colitis. Both are disorders of the digestive tract that are aggravated by stress. Mother used to go off her diet, get herself all stressed out over some little thing, then blame us when she ended up in the hospital with a blockage. I don't have, and won't stoop to, that luxury.

So, I have to be functioning as best I can, physically, in order to keep things going around here. MSK sure couldn't handle it, and the kids aren't old enough or mature enough to handle a lot on their own. Getting myself embroiled in my mother's misery would jeopardize the near future for my kids ... I need to think of more than just her or myself ... I need to consider MY family. My sisters don't see it that way, since they don't have families of their own, and most likely won't. My sister Barb is 45, and Carol is turning 43. Not exactly 'spring chickens,' huh? Oh well, I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope that they don't condemn me as my step-grandfather did my mother when my grandmother died.

My sister Carol thinks my mom is on her 'last legs.' Hells bells, yeah, she's turning 70 this year, but my mother-in-law is turning 80 and is still (asthmatic that she is) more active than my mother. My grandmother on my mother's side lived to be 86, with congestive heart failure for 15 years. Mom doesn't have THAT problem. The only thing that will kill my mother early will be her weight, her diet, or her sheer will to DIE. She's that stubborn. She's also been determined to garner as much sympathy as possible for as long as I can remember. She got OLD really EARLY. When my mother was in her 40s, she was acting like she was in her 60s! I can only imagine how bad it is now. I can't imagine my mother doing HALF the stuff I do when she was my age. Drive a GTO? Wrestle with a 1100 lb. horse? DRIVE more than an hour to ANYWHERE??? Never happen!

Ah well, now that I've broken my arm patting myself on the back, I think I should stop right here. I've already (several times) reaffirmed my overall improvement on the family history. Time to let go of it ... time to go forward ... time to steel myself for seeing my mother for the first time in years (and that godawful look on her face, like I'd stabbed her in the back or something!). I'm afraid I have no choice, especially since Carol will be up from Florida next week. I've been studiously avoiding the subject, but I know its bound to come up again, and I'll have to agree. I just hope I have the fortitude and grace to face her as kindly as I can, and to (inwardly) forgive her for all her transgressions against me and mine. I can only hope AND pray that she will find it in herself to be similarly graceful in front of her grandchildren. Goodnight, sleeping world .... enjoy your slumber, wake refreshed and new, and point me toward the right path yet again.

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