Thursday's Child ... has far to go ... (0nm10wn2feet) wrote,
Thursday's Child ... has far to go ...
0nm10wn2feet

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Awake late at night - and thinking lonely thoughts ...

What follows here is a personal train of thought that sometimes plagues me late at night ... when the events of the days, weeks and months suddenly seem to catch up with me. I hope my 'Friends' will forgive the somewhat depressing tone of this post, but I find I can't help it tonight. I need to get this off my chest and this is just about the only place I'm able to do so.

So many changes; so little time, and yet, seemingly, so much. My fondest wish, hope, dream, however, remains the same. I've accepted the fact that, by virtue of my faulty genetics, they will never truly be 'normal.' "Strange." "Bizarre." "Anti-social." "Weird." All things I've heard said by others. "Unique." "Rare." "Exceptional." "Beautiful." All things I've thought each time I heard others pronounce their judgment upon them.

And yet, my heart knows that the number of people who will truly accept and love them will, most likely, mirror my own experience. I'm indescribably saddened by this knowledge. I feel as though, if only by sheer force of will on my part, I could have ... should have ... changed that for them. Unbelievable guilt over things that I DIDN'T do comes pouring up from my depths. And people still wonder why I laugh bitterly when I'm told what a great "mom" I am. What a fucking joke. What a miserable, depressing, messed-up joke. Yeah, I'm nothing like my mother, but can I honestly say I've done any better?

Not when I see my beautiful, intelligent, creative, talented child sit around aimlessly soaking up knowledge that will do her little good in making her own way in this world. Sure, she knows a TON about a lot of things, but none of them will prove terribly useful in getting a job or earning a living - or even living on her own; primarily because of her lack of desire to interact with the world as a whole. The girl is virtually a hermit, and I've done little to force her out of that. Indeed, I'm still at a loss as to WHAT I can do to change that for her. It may already be too late for ME to do anything. I let her get to the point where she is now, legally anyway, an adult and thus no longer subject to my will where it concerns her well-being.

Owing to present circumstances, she is reasonably happy, but I suspect that, given her tendency to react like her mother to even the mere whisper of abandonment, she will probably end up doing something to kill even this. Its a common defense mechanism - push people away BEFORE they have a chance to see the "real" person and decide they don't like her. It pains me to think about it ... especially since they seem so ... RIGHT. As one should expect, however, it takes an incredible amount of time and energy to even get close to breaching the walls she builds (complete with razor-wire and concertina-wire on top!). And, also quite normal, she attracts those who have major issues of their own. This one is a real GEM, but I doubt that even he has the patience to wade through the amount of bullshit she's capable of dealing out ... and she doesn't even realize, half the time, that she's doing it! Of course, that's also the 'beauty' of our afflictions. Manic depressives and people with chronic Attention Deficit Disorder hardly ever realize when they are doing and/or saying things that are either wildly inappropriate or based on their flawed perceptions.

A lot of her defenses are triggered by the fact that she hasn't exactly had stellar experiences in the relationship department. Each of the failed, unpleasant relationships, however, were brought about by the previous connection; a fact that I doubt she's noticed yet. Indeed, if not for the connection to his brother, she wouldn't have the opportunity she now has with this one. Its still very difficult for her to get over having her trust and affection abused not once, but twice, by people who had ulterior motives.

All of this thinking came to a head yesterday, when she read a study that showed that girls whose mothers were harshly self-critical tended to become self-critical as well. Ok, that still doesn't explain why I'm so willing to take ALL the blame, while MY mother takes none, does it? Eh, I'll ponder that one another day, another time. I grew up loathing myself because I was constantly informed that I would never do any better, be any better, achieve any more because I had no "common sense," no "drive," that I was "lazy." I went out of my way to do the opposite with both of my kids ... what has it netted me? A child who is now convinced that her troubles can STILL be laid at my door and more SELF LOATHING. There are days when I think it doesn't pay to get out of bed, ya know?

["Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life- is the source from which self-respect springs." - Joan Didion]
(Aaah, if only that were true!)
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