Thursday's Child ... has far to go ... (0nm10wn2feet) wrote,
Thursday's Child ... has far to go ...
0nm10wn2feet

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Regrets? Yeah, a couple ....

Well, maybe more than a couple. Did you ever sit and ponder the vast MULTITUDE of "roads not taken" in your life? When you get to my age, there are so many crossroads, forks in the road, actions taken, actions NOT taken, alternate paths, and choices made. One could spend what time is left in this life pondering the scenarios if one had done even one thing differently at any given point in time.

Now, compound all these different scenarios with the impulsivity of Attention Deficit Disorder and the hopelessness of Manic Depression. Toss in a little pinch of Obsessive/Compulsive to top it off. Oh, right, don't forget a dash of paranoia! Complicates the picture somewhat, eh? At least, it would to anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of those disorders. You can, most likely, now see why I do a lot of 'second-guessing' in this space. Was what I did/didn't do the "right" thing? Should I have left "well enough" alone?? Should I have let events develop at their own pace without my "assistance" or interference? Would a reasonably sane person have even entertained the idea of what I've done, or was it so utterly outrageous and meddling that I should be COMMITTED (like, to an institution?)? Right now, I can't help but feel that I've 'played God' to a certain extent and that it will ultimately have a detrimental effect on others. Indeed, maybe it already has.

Lastly, take a boulder-sized guilt complex along with a minuscule self-esteem and it makes for one fucked up individual, I can tell you! There are days when I feel like the thoughts in my brain resemble squirrels in a cage, mindlessly chasing each other around for hours. Should I have said that? Did my last sentence come out the way I intended it to?? Is this seemingly overwhelming silence due to something I said or did? Or, was it something I DIDN'T say or do?? Is he/she not talking to me because of something I said or did? Or, is he/she not talking simply because he/she has nothing to say to me?? WHY would he/she have nothing to say???? Tiring, isn't it? Welcome to my brain.

Apologies to anyone who read this little rant just because it took up a ton of space on their 'Friends' page. I just had to get this out where I could see it rather than think it. It's probably my over-active imagination, but I feel as though someone has been intentionally avoiding talking to me of late. Not that I would blame him/her, I really am 'squirrelly' sometimes MOST times!! Not to worry, though, dear friends. My friendly shrink has upped my dosage and I should be back on a semi-even keel in a couple more days. I will resume normal activities once the meds kick in (seems like I do a LOT of that ... waiting around for medication to do its job). I just thank the heavens that we've progressed to the point where these things are available that enable me to TRY to live life.

["Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." - Leo Tolstoy]

Driven up and down in circles
Skidding down a road of black ice
Staring in and out storm windows
Driven to a fool's paradise

It's my turn to drive
But it's my turn to drive

Driven to the margin of error
Driven to the edge of control
Driven to the margin of terror
Driven to the edge of a deep, dark hole

Rush - Driven - Test For Echo - 1996

I can learn to resist
Anything but frustration
I can learn to persist
With anything but aiming low

I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I don't know

Rush - Resist - Test For Echo - 1996

I had a dream
When I was young
A dream of sweet illusion
A glimpse of hope and unity
And visions of one sweet union
But a cold wind blows
And a dark rain falls
And in my heart it shows
Look what they've done to my dream, yeah

Queen - One Vision - Complete Works - 1985
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