Thursday's Child ... has far to go ... (0nm10wn2feet) wrote,
Thursday's Child ... has far to go ...

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I'm awake ... or am I?

I've been having the most incredibly vivid dreams the past couple of days ... no wonder all I want to do is sleep! I even managed to incorporate the insistent beeping of the alarm into the dream I was having this afternoon ... for over 20 minutes!! I'm still not sure what possessed me to finally recognize it for what it was and come back to full consciousness. Truth to tell, I was sorry to have done so too. I would much rather have continued the dream, since it seemed to be headed in such a convoluted, intriguing direction. But, I did have to pick the kids up from school, so it's just as well. Besides, Mel got the feeling that I wasn't gonna make it up when I needed to (she's scary like that), so she called shortly after I got up anyway. Now, however, with the kids safely at home, and food having been provided (whether or not its what they really want), I want to go back to sleep. It seems so much more 'productive' than my actual waking activities. That, alone, makes me wonder if this isn't the beginning of the end.

Of course, the increased thirst, the swollen joints, the loss of equilibrium, and the disorientation all point to some sort of 'problem.' I'm just not sure if its related to hypothyroidism, some stupid germ, the onset of adult diabetes, or some other wonderful affliction. With the horrendous genetics I already possess, who knows what other wondrous 'surprizes' are in store for me as I age. After all, it isn't like anyone in my family EVER discussed the various infirmities any of the ancestors experienced. THAT was considered something that "we" just don't talk about. What a crock of shit. I think that our ancestors unfairly saddled us with more than our fair share of disabilities simply because they were too proud, or too embarrassed, to admit their shortcomings. Whatever. At least my kids will have the benefit of the whole story (as complete as I can make it) so that they can take that into account when choosing whether or not to procreate (if, indeed, they ever get to make such choices). I can't help it - in my current, incredibly depressed state, I can't help but think that neither one of my kids is ever going to find someone they can spend their lives with, just as I didn't really find that "soul mate" either. Actually, I still think I found him at the wrong time, and ignored all the signs. For whatever reason, we didn't spend this lifetime together, although each of us has acknowledged thinking "what if" at several different points of our lives. At the moment, that's pretty depressing too.

So, I quit ... for now. I'm going back to sleep, perchance to dream ... to get lost in the seductive array of rich, exciting experiences I've been having in my dream life. All the things I love to do .... all the things I love surrounding me ... all the things that I wish I could indulge in at the moment - the china, crystal, silver .... the museum exhibits, the fine dining, the beautiful silks, velvets, furs ... the witty, interesting, introspective people .... the souls who recognize their purpose, as well as kindred souls ... all the things I long for and will never again experience in this lifetime. The books, the horses, the atmosphere; the peace, harmony and serenity .... it's only there when I sleep. Goodnight cruel world ... I'm off to better, happier, more fulfilling places.

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